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Ross von Metze | October 12, 2005

She’s Having a Baby, but who’s baby is it?

Three guesses what we’re leading with this week. On Tuesday, it was a toss up. Would I come after Lindsay Lohan for getting into yet another traffic accident? Nah, too bland. Would I talk about Out Magazine Editor in Chief Brendan Lemon announcing to his staff he’d be leaving after five years on board. Eh, interesting, but not juicy enough.

And then it happened. Damn if Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes don’t know just when to drop a bombshell. She’s pregnant, and other than the fact that the married couple to be are “happy” and “healthy,” that’s all Tom’s Scientology publicist needed to say.

That alone is fodder ripe for dissection.

‘Who’s the father,’ is the first question that comes to mind. If we’re still operating under the assumption that Tom is gay, then that begs the question – who porked Katie? Maybe she got knocked up by former fiancée Chris Klein in a desperate bid to rekindle their romance. Maybe Rob Thomas screwed her to get back at Tom for the scientology rumors. I suppose she could have enjoyed a one night stand with former Dawson’s Creek co-star James Van Der Beek, but first she’d have to find him and then she’d have to ably convince him that he’s not gay. Good lord. Michelle Williams is about ready to pop Heath Ledger’s kid out, and now Katie’s hot on her tails. What the hell kind of sex education were they feeding those kids in Wilmington, North Carolina?

Secondly, are STD’s like what Katie’s sporting on her face in the above pic easily transmitted to unborn babies? If so, Katie might want to see someone about that, and keep Tom from shoving his filthy face down her throat for a while.

My third question is this: How does the Church of Scientology feel about liars? Am I the only one who remembers Katie telling Seventeen Magazine she planned to wait for marriage to give up the goods. Um, unless their nuptials are the one event Tom and Katie are capable of keeping secret (and I doubt that seriously), last time I checked, her last name was legally still Holmes. What, downed a few too many shots of sake one night and poof? Of course, there’s always the immaculate conception plea. Though I’m bucking for something involving Tom’s sister and a Turkey baster, but I digress.

And finally: How does the church feel about having children out of wedlock? They seem to hate Brooke Shields for medicating herself to deal with her kid, but in a statement released to Entertainment Tonight yesterday, claimed they had no stand on how children came to be so long as they were happy and healthy. Well, I suppose they’d have to say that considering Tom is responsible for paying half their staff.

Well, it looks like Joan Rivers is going to get her wish. On Monday, she said: “Well, each woman has done very well by him – Nicole Kidman and Penelope Cruz. So this one, Katie Holmes, who doesn't seem to have much talent, is probably the luckiest of all. I saw her in Batman Begins and, let's just say, she better hang on to Tom for a while!” Well, she’s got him for at least 9 months, Joan.

Sharon Stone tells press/fashion houses to back off Moss

Notoriously vocal actress/humanitarian Sharon Stone has jumped to the defense of model Kate Moss over her recent cocaine scandal.

The actress, who is busy filming a long awaited sequel to Basic Instinct in London, has criticized fashion companies (including Chanel, Burberry and H&M;) for dropping their contracts with Moss after she was secretly photographed snorting the drug in a recording studio.

Stone says she feels it’s important to support Moss’ decision to apologize and check herself into an Arizona rehab facility for treatment, not turn a cold shoulder toward her.

“I'd like to say as for Kate Moss, I understand that she has apologized and is changing her life,” Stone told the British press. “And I think that that is the most important thing that's happened. I think that we have to be aware that people are allowed to make mistakes in their life. Whether or not a fashion house stands with her or not through it says more about the house than it does about her.”

You tell ’em, Sharon. It’s not like Harry Winston pulled all his rocks from Donatella Versace’s fashion shows when she admitted to being a coke head. Madison Square Garden didn’t tell Whitney to take a flying leap after she downed a dime bag before the MTV Music Awards a few years back. Leave cokehead Kate alone.

Stones’ comments come just a week after Naomi Campbell spoke out in defense of her friend. Moss is expected to spend 30 days undergoing intensive treatment at the renowned Meadows Centre in Phoenix.

Rice gets an indecent proposal from Fox News

When I think about ladies dyking out, some hot images come to mind. Portia de Rossi looks fantasy worthy. And who wouldn’t like a go at Angelina Jolie? But Condosleeza Rice?

Apparently, Fox News correspondent James Rosen wants to see Sleeza have a go at it. In a recent interview with the Secretary of State, Rosen suggested Sleeza should take some time out of her busy schedule to get to know Fox & Friends anchor Lauren Green.

“I close with a gift for you,” Rosen told the soon to be blushing snaggletooth. “You met this person once, I believe, but you really ought to know each other because… I think you'll have an interest in knowing her. She is one of our Fox News anchors in New York. Her name is Lauren Green. She is brilliant, she's beautiful, she's African-American, she's single and she's a concert pianist in her spare time.”

Say what?

Apparently, Sleeza was similarly caught off guard, because all she could muster was an exasperated, “My goodness.”

Rosen later went on to say that Green had asked him to give Sleeza a copy of her CD and suggest that the two get together to “chat” sometime. Trying her best to play along, Sleeza even suggested the two might have fun “playing dual piano.” Now I’m not one to dog a good sexual analogy, but I’m picturing ivory white keys, I’m picturing brass pedals, the baby grand top… no, I’m missing the boat on this one.

Anywho, Green! Sleeza! Not sure what the hell’s going on here, but should one of you step out for a box lunch at the Y, heed the advice of those before you. Keep it to yourselves.

Quick Takes

Charlize Theron high for MacClaine ass kiss?

South African bombshell Charlize Theron admitted to Jay Leno Monday night she was high when she literally kissed Shirley MacClaine’s ass at an awards benefit last month. Not on life, and not on pot. Earlier in the evening, she claims she’d had a neck spasm and popped a pain pill. Later, before going on to accept her award, she popped another and, to calm her nerves, downed a glass of wine. Upon realizing she was in no position to muster an elegant speech, she turned to comedy, puckering up to the screen legend’s tush. How’s that for being candid?

Safe sex advocates take issue with James Bond

Ever seen Bond stop to strap on a condom? Neither have safe sex advocates, who are taking issue with the fictional hero and notorious womanizer. In his 20-film career, doctors are pissed by the fact that Bond has slept with 44 women and has never caught a sexually transmitted disease or had a child. The Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine has slammed movies including 2002's Die Another Day for their contraception-free antics between the sheets, and blames Hollywood for the rise in sexually transmitted diseases and accidental pregnancies. Well, I suppose a flick in which Pierce Brosnan saves Haiti from Syphillis or totes his bastard baby on deep sea diving voyages off the coast of Cuba would be a coup to sell tickets.

Jenifer Aniston and mama make nice

The ex Mrs. Pitt has reconciled with her mother Nancy nine years after they became estranged. Jennifer Aniston reportedly stopped speaking to her mom after she discussed her famous daughter on a TV chat show in 1996 and subsequently wrote about Jennifer's childhood in From Mother And Daughter to Friends in 1999. However, in the aftermath of Jennifer's high-profile split from BP (used to stand for Brass Plum, now it stands for Brad Pitt), she is beginning to rebuild her relationship with her mom. Jennifer tells Elle magazine: “I'm thrilled. It's so wonderful. And who knew that (divorce) would be the thing to initiate this?” Yeah, and just think – now momma has perfect ammo for the sequel: From Friends to Lovers to Loneliness.

Behave until next week, and always remember: one person’s trash is another person’s rent check. – Issued by Gay Link Content

  • Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.


    Previous edition
    Jacko takes the pimp approach to a career makeover [06/10/2005]

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