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Ross von Metze | September 21, 2005

Jacko takes the pimp approach to a career makeover

From far above the corner of Highland and Wilshire, I stand by the window of the Gay Wired offices looking down on the Los Angeles traffic below. The streets are bustling, horns are honking, there�s even a woman fending off a street-sweeper with her oversized umbrella. But no matter how much commotion is carrying on below, or how many times my co-worker seems to tap me on the shoulder, I can�t seem to shake my mind from an e-mail I got this morning long enough to pay attention.

"Michael Jackson Planning to Reinvent Himself as a Girl-Chasing Rapper"

Now you see my problem.

We�ve all seen the rise and fall of one of pop�s greats. I mean, the man�s always been a little nuts. We�ve had Bubbles the chimp, the progressive whitening of the skin, the marriage to Lisa Marie Presley, his date with Madonna, overnights with Macaulay Culkin, Captain EO – but this? This one�s even harder to fathom than the idea that he actually had sex with Debbie Rowe.

According to various reports, Jackson – who is visiting with the royal family of Bahrain to regroup and �reinvent� himself – is allegedly undergoing a complete style overhaul to try and shake off his weird reputation since being acquitted of all charges in his child sex abuse trial.

Jackson biographer Michael C. Luckman claims this rumored repackaging is no joke. He says the singer, who recently turned 47, is living in virtual seclusion because he is �very serious� about a new exercise program with a personal trainer in an attempt to look more macho. We can also expect, Luckman reports, Michael to ditch the wigs and the make-up in an attempt to look less strange.

Reinvention? Fine! Wonderful. Try therapy, Prozac, maybe a nice, calming Oatmeal facial mask. But the best way to get over a child molestation scandal and years of rumors that you�re one big ole, messed up homo is not to turn around, don some bling and pile a posse of half-dressed hoez on your lap. You really want to look like a freak? Film that video!

Lohan Puts On Some Weight, Takes Off Some Clothing

Though audiences may have ignored Lindsay Lohan�s kiddie pic Herbie: Fully Loaded this summer, they sure took notice of the actresses dramatic weight loss. At the time, Lohan claimed she�d simply slimmed up after watching her diet and taking to the gym. Now, the teen queen admits she may have taken things too far, blaming stress over her father�s incarceration (he threatened to kill her on national TV and then drunkenly crashed his car into a couple in New York). �I was going through a rough time and wasn't taking care of myself,� she told reporters. �I want to encourage young girls not to get to that point.�

Now that Lindsay is plumping up again, she will allegedly take off all of her clothing for a forthcoming Vanity Fair cover. After seeing Paris Hilton in the buff for a recent cover of the mag, Lohan said she feels like pushing some buttons.

You wanna really shock the hell out of some people, Lindsay? Try going a month without a pic of your drunk ass popping up in a tabloid somewhere.

E! Tells Star to Take a Hike

Red carpet staple Star Jones has reportedly been asked to get her butt off the red carpet by E! Television after failing to attract an audience and allegedly annoying the crap out of half of the famous faces in tinseltown.

Jones took over pre-show hosting duties after Joan Rivers got her butt booted to the TV Guide channel last year and promptly puckered up to kiss the asses of every random who walked by. Sure, Star came off sweet as pie, but viewers don�t want to see her make small talk with celebrity spouses and invite every actor and his mother to drop by The View. They want dirt. They want tacky! They want tasteless!

So E! has supposedly told Kathy Griffin she�s welcomed back with open arms, and with her, they�ve supposedly recruited Carson Kressley, because apparently her wise ass remarks just aren�t gay enough.

Meanwhile, people in Star�s camp claim she�s the one who pulled the plug, saying she just wouldn�t have enough time in her schedule next year. Who cares why she won�t be back. Just be thankful!

Quick Takes

Dallas to Get Big Screen Makeover Courtesy of Catherine Zeta-Jones:
A big screen Dallas has been in the works for years, with everyone from Sally Field to Demi Moore to J'Lo rumored to be in the running for the role of long-suffering drunk Sue Ellen Ewing. Now, is seems Catherine Zeta-Jones has a lock on the role after making it known to producers she�s hot to tackle the campy role. While nothing has been confirmed, if Zeta�s red carpet relationships with reporters are any indication (this is the woman who told Joan Rivers it was �always a joy� to stop and chat and told the woman she looked �simply lovely as usual�), she�s more than up to the challenge of playing over the top.

Renee Zellweger to Take a Year Off From Hollywood:
Perhaps she�s as sick of seeing her name in the tabloids as we are. No, seriously. Good for you, kiddo. Renee Zellweger is an excellent actress who has managed to impress me in every film she�s made since Jerry Maguire, and though I laughed with the rest of America when she skipped down the beach with hubby Kenny Chesney six minutes after meeting the guy, thank God someone in Hollywood recognized when it�s time to lay low.



Kate Moss Checks Into Phoenix Rehab Center:
Days after everyone but Whitney Houston seemed to turn on her, supermodel Kate Moss has checked herself into a Phoenix rehab center to regroup. The supermodel was photographed snorting monster mounds of cocaine earlier this month which resulted in fashion houses Burberry and Chanel nixing her contracts. A forthcoming campaign with H&M; was also axed and now, reps for Moss say she�s taking a step back to regroup.

Courtney Cox-Arquette to Take a Visit to Wisteria Lane:
Just a week after audiences got their first taste of life with Alfre Woodard in suburbia, fans of Desperate Housewives have a new loony lady to look forward to. Rumors are swirling that Friends star Courteney Cox-Arquette will stop by later this season as an escapee from a mental institution. The actress, who has been laying low since the birth of her daughter last year, would not be a permanent fixture on the show but would reportedly film a few guest spots.

It�s a Girl for Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck:
After keeping mum about her relationship with Ben Affleck for month, mom-to-be Jennifer Garner made perhaps the biggest flub possible on Monday�s Tonight Show by accidentally revealing she�s going to have a baby girl. The Alias star has been careful to keep quiet about her marriage and pregnancy in an attempt to keep paparazzi from gossiping, but referred to the baby as �she� when talking to Jay Leno. Garner promptly turned beat read and buried her face in her hands. Take heart, Jen. I know it sucks, but you�re still better off than Jen number one. No one thinks you�re a cold hearted bitch.

And finally, a big, big round of applause goes out to Broadway superstar Kristin Chenoweth. The petite blonde bombshell, who wowed crowds in Wicked and is making a name for herself on the big screen with roles in Bewitched, The Pink Panther and the upcoming Augusten Burroughs biopic Running With Scissors, stood her ground recently when she was asked to remove herself from the list of performers at an upcoming Women in Faith Concert for her belief that God is accepting of all people on earth. Chenoweth recently released an album of spirituals and religious music and was scheduled to perform material at the upcoming Oklahoma City concert, but the singer was given the boot for, among other things, her acceptance of gay people. Rather than attempt to explain herself, Chenoweth bowed out and used the opportunity to further express to fans the importance of acceptance and love. So Kristin – thank you for standing up for us. That showed real character!

OK, folks, I�m off for the week. Enjoy, talk shit, and until next time – one person�s trash is another person�s rent check. – Issued by Gay Link Content

  • Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.


    Previous edition
    Kate Moss sniffs out trouble and potential jail time< [04/10/2005]

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