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Ross von Metze | August 30, 2005

Tom Cruise More Tom Cruise antics

It was the e-mail that had me laughing so hard I damn near peed my pants. Tom Cruise, in an interview, claiming he�s The Bard reincarnated. The man who brought us Hamlet and Much Ado About Nothing in one life comes back to earth to star in Top Gun and Days of Thunder. Shirley MacClaine writing about past lives and talking to her dog is one thing, but this one� this is too much.

It was all a hoax. I should have known. All the good gossip frequently is. That I believed it is what�s really sad. Tom has been acting the fool for so many months now; nothing that comes out of his mouth seems to faze me. I mean, honestly: to think this dyslexic, nitwit of a man could put pen to paper and concoct some of the finest works in history. Whether he said it or not, that�s some funny shit.

And it comes on the heels of my favorite Tom rumor yet – that he shacked up with Rob Thomas. Rob put a stop to that pretty quick – screw the gay thing, he said. He was more insulted at the implication he might be a scientologist.

So, in honor of Tom, I thought I�d recap a few of the funnier rumors gossip columnists have temporarily fallen for over the years.



Marcia Cross Marcia Cross is Coming Out on the Cover of The Advocate

That rumor hit on a Tuesday, and by Wednesday, Marcia Cross was on The View denying the entire thing. �I guess that�s what happens when you�re a single woman over 40,� she said. Well, now that Marcia�s engaged (to a man) and based on the professional way she handled the entire situation, I guess we can safely say that�s a rumor. But hell if more than a few ladies weren�t jumping up and down. That�s the sort of rumor you want to be true.



Richard Gere Richard Gere, Cindy Crawford and the Gerbil

When you feel compelled to take out a full-page ad in Variety Magazine to tell the world you aren�t gay after rumors start circulating that you showed up at Cedars-Sinai to have a gerbil removed from your ass, you�ve got real problems. That�s the sort of Urban Legend that just dies, but Richard Gere poured lighter fluid on that fire when he and his then supermodel wife Cindy Crawford flipped out and ran the ad. Though we�ll probably never know for sure, Gere�s neurotic response has to make you wonder.



Eddie Murphy Eddie Murphy Has a Thing for Trannies?

At least what the tabloids screamed when Eddie Murphy was found with one in the front seat of his Land Rover at the butt crack of dawn in Weho in the late �90s. Suddenly, dozens of trannies and drag queens came forward with stories of sexual encounters with the comedian. And while Murphy maintained that he was simply being a good citizen and offering a young lady a ride, now that he and long time wife Nicole are divorcing, we�ll have to watch the tabloids closely to see if Murphy will be stepping out on the town again.



Jamie Lee Curtis Jamie Lee Curtis is a Man

Seeing as how the medical records are sealed, only a few folks will ever really know the truth to this story. Jamie Lee Curtis, her mom and dad, possibly her hubby. Rumor has it Jamie Lee was born with both male and female parts – mama and papa chose to have the pecker snipped off and named the child Jamie Lee because of its ambiguous sound. Gossip columnists have also noted that none of Jamie Lee�s kids are hers � they�re adopted; evidence there may be some truth to this rumor. Who knows? If you doubt her femininity, take a closer look at True Lies sometime.

And now, for a bit of gossip I�m pretty damn sure is correct.



Madonna Madonna to resurrect Eva Peron on West End?

Maddie! You�ve just turned 47 and broken multiple bones in your body after falling off a horse. What do you plan do next?

If reports are true, Madonna is in talks with Andrew Lloyd Webber and his stable of producers to reprise her role as Eva Peron in Evita on the London stage next year. This would be after her planned world tour in support of her new album, Confessions on a Dance Floor.

The movie was nice Madonna. It even made us momentarily forget that you can�t really act all that well. Then you followed it up with the one two punch of The Next Best Thing and Swept Away and were right back to where we started. Add to that the fact that you�ve always sounded better on recording than live and, as a long time fan, I strongly advise you give this decision a second thought. You�ve made your millions. Give us what we want, not more reason to doubt your talent.



Toni Ferrari Reality Show Star Laments on Cost of Fame

Her name is Toni Ferrari. If you don�t know her, that�s because she starred on two of the lowest rated reality shows in history� Love Cruise and Paradise Hotel. Apparently thinking the third time might be the charm, she�s now co-starring with a slew of other reality show has beens on E!�s Kill Reality.

But this is all beside the point.

Ferrari has said in a recent interview that the sudden fame she�s achieved from her hours on television has threatened her mental and physical safety. Ferrari claims she was attacked after filming Regis and Kelly in New York City, harassed by belligerent night club goers in Greece and, in Chicago, stalked by a crazy fan.

In the same interview, Ferrari says she is thinking about working on a new reality show for herself.

Word of advice to the budding �actress� – SHUT THE FUCK UP! Who the hell are you anyway? If you don�t like getting stalked and slapped around, move the fuck out of LA and get a job as a preschool teacher in Provo. Stop bitching and whining and then come back with, �but I�m working on some projects right now.� It�s a tired act, lady!

Sorry, just something I had to get off my chest.

Well, tis all for the week, folks. As summer drags to a close, keep your AC running and I�ll see ya in September.

Remember – one person�s trash is another person�s rent check. – Issued by Gay Link Content

  • Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.


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