Hollywood Celebrity Buzz
Ross von Metze | August 24, 2005
Jude Law's cock nightmare
It�s not often that the week�s gossip has the power to put me in tears with laughter, but seriously, this week�s victims of the Hollywood Celebrity Buzz are a truly messed up bunch. Choosing who to tear into first was a tough call, but since I know the gays love a good �cock� disaster, Jude Law won out!
Jude, who apparently has no shame about dropping his trousers in public, was apparently having a shrinkage problem when he was snapped changing out of a swimsuit in his mother�s driveway in France. Hours later, the ladies of Women�s Wear Daily were standing over the water cooler, pictures printed out in hand, comparing notes.
�He's no Tommy Lee, that's for sure,� one of the editors told reporters for New York�s Page Six. �At first I thought they had photographed one of his sons by mistake.�
And while Jude�s little pecker was quite the eyebrow raiser, his New York based publicist did him no favors by explaining, �Please, the guy�s on vacation with his kids. Give him a little space.� Um, nice save, but what does any of that have to do with Jude�s incredible shrinking peenie.
To be fair, it�s quite possible the actor was just having a bad day. After all, the man notoriously dropped his pants in the West End production of Indiscretions and has bared all in the films Wilde and The Talented Mr. Ripley. Since this is the first time anyone�s complained, we�ll chalk to up to the fact that nobody really likes Jude since he stepped out on Sienna Miller and fucked the nanny. That sort of bad press is bound to have its repercussions.
Big titty Pam upstaged by Courtney and Bea
When Comedy Central announced plans to roast Pamela Anderson as a benefit for PETA, I flipped out. No celebrity alive is campier, less talented or more in tune with her own B-grade appeal than Pam. I men, the lady with the gargantuan knockers is a pretty tough act to upstage.
The again, Pamela has never had to share the spotlight with Courtney Love.
Honestly, Comedy Central should have just re-cut the special and called it Love�s roast. She easily took the harshest beating. First off, what kind of idiot shows up to a roast strung out on God knows what just days after being ordered back into court for allegedly failing a drug test while on probation? The lady is seriously whacked.
�I�ve been sober for a year,� she slurred to the line-up of comedians, in between lifting her top for the camera, exposing her panties and, in two cases, spreading her legs and flipping off the crowd. And, the focus is officially off Pam!
Everyone was compelled to weigh in on Courtney�s behavior.
�How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?" – Jeffrey Ross
�If you�re not on drugs Courtney, you�ve got problems.� – Jimmy Kimmel
�I was curious to see which Courtney Love was going to show up: the smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore or the violent smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore.� – Sarah Silverman
Just as the Courtney jokes began to dry up and it looked as though Pam might get her crown back for the night, that Amazon of a Golden Girl Bea Arthur stole the thunder right back.
Looking sour and appalled by the evening�s evident low notes, all 5�10� of Arthur took to the mic for a dramatic reading of excerpts from Pam�s book, Star. �A literary genius,� Bea called her, before launching into sentences containing words like �cunt� and passages involving butt sex. If you think watching Courtney come down is funny, imagine Bea�s basement rattling bass doing justice to Pam�s prose.
I strongly urge you to look for reruns of this special – bargain basement entertainment at its finest.
Madonna falls off her high horse
Happy birthday Madonna! You�re 47 years old. You�ve toured the world, sold more albums than nearly every female artist in history (damn you, Celine and Mariah). You have two beautiful kids from two beautiful fathers (one of whom you married) and you�ve slept with nearly every male celebrity in Hollywood who isn�t gay (and I suspect probably a few who are). What�s left to accomplish?
�I know,� you think. �I want to ride side saddle on my English countryside estate with my family to celebrate my birthday.�
Bad idea. Three cracked ribs, a broken collar bone and a broken hand later and you're nursing a slew of injuries while laid up in bed for a month.
While my heart goes out to Madonna for her pain, I can�t help but giggle just a tad. For someone who�s seemingly stopped at nothing to become a full fledged Brit (she even sports the accent occasionally), that fall was purely America.
Mariah makes a few late night calls to Eminem's machine
Famous first words for anyone who�s checked out Mariah Carey�s voice mail messages she leaves for her fans in the wee hours of the morning on her Web site, www.mariahcarey.com. It�s frequently 2am or later, Mariah sounds like she�s been up for days and there�s always at least one other person in the room.
Apparently, fans aren�t the only people Miss Mimi calls before she calls it a day.
Back when Mariah was putting her life back together following her public meltdown and subsequent hospitalization, she dated rapper Eminem for about 5 minutes. He got over it quickly but apparently, Mariah still pined for Masrhall Mathers in her heart. So, she called him up� and Em saved the messages to play during the European leg of his world tour.
One message asks Em why he�s going back to his wife. Another wonders when he�s going to stay over again. Though peeps in Mariah�s camp are questioning whether the voice is even hears, Mariah has come forward and said she�s livid such a private moment has been taken public. Way to play the publicity game, Mariah.
Eminem plays the messages before launching into his song, "Puke" � which is exactly what I want to do picturing those two going at it.
Kanye West calls for end to gay bashing in hip-hop
For years, rappers and hip-hop artists have launched lyrical attacks on the gay community. Now, 27-year-old rapper Kanye West – arguably the most bankable name in hip-hop following the success of his 2003 Grammy winning debut The College Dropout – is calling for an end to the gay bashing. In a forthcoming special for MTV, the rapper talks candidly about his life. The topic turns to homosexuality and hip-hop when West admits that growing up, he was a bit of a �mama�s boy� �and a homophobe.
West says that being taunted growing up for being a mama�s boy �made me kind of homophobic, 'cause it's like I would go back and question myself.� But after West�s cousin came out to him, the rapper says he changed his tune and is now urging other hip-hop artists to stop the gay bashing. West says hip-hop started as an outlet to speak your �mind and about breaking down barriers, but everyone in hip-hop discriminates against gay people.� West says that in slang terms, �gay� means the exact opposite of �hip-hop.� In the special, West calls for a change. ���Not just hip-hop, but America just discriminates. And I wanna just come on TV and tell my rappers, just tell my friends, �Yo, stop it.�� Support those who support us: West�s new album Late Registration drops August 30.
That�s all for the week folks. A bunch of messy celebrities and one street rapper with his head screwed on straight. I hope you enjoyed a good laugh at someone else�s expense, and remember� one person�s trash is another person�s rent check. – Issued by Gay Link Content
Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.
Britney Spears� stalker gets shot in the leg – Just desserts or ambush? [17/08/2005]