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Ross von Metze | June 23, 2005

It's War - again!

I tried. I really did. But no matter how many times I attempted to kick off this week�s column with Jacko, I couldn�t do it. Too predictable. Too easy. And so, we�ll get to him later.

Instead we�ll start with a truly pressing issue – In Touch and its inability to keep its headlines creative and catchy. Just three weeks ago, when Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston were plastered on the cover for the umpteenth time this year, the headline screamed at me from the rack – "It�s War", the mag proclaimed. Hmmmm! And just a month earlier it was war between Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards.

Well for the third time this year, It�s (apparently) War again, this time between battling bottle blondes Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson. Rumor has it Lindsay was having none of Jessica at a recent party she threw at a posh LA Hotel and, so, she had her removed. Jessica fought back by taking half the party with her.

But that�s not what I�m really interested in here. What I really want to know is how the many folks who make up In Touch can continue to deposit paychecks every two weeks when they can�t even come up with an original headline. It�s War! Fabulous. It�s war in the Middle East. Supposedly Katie Couric and Diane Sawyer are at war. Regis and Kelly, Hilary and Lindsay, J-Lo and Pamela. How many more fucking times am I gonna have to read this headline this year?

I love trash tabloids as much as the next person, but with a dozen or so mags all competing for the same market now, you folks are going to have to step up to the plate and get to work. The Ralphs Express Lane just isn�t as fun when all the headlines are repeats of last week.



Angelina Jolie Angelina contemplating leaving Hollywood forever

Yeah, Angelina Jolie says things off the top of her head and, five months later, she�s done a 180. But ever since adopting baby Maddox, Angie seems to becoming more centered and her goals and ambitions further and further away from Tinseltown. So while I�m not ready to bank on a one-way plane ticket just yet, I can�t help but wonder if this time, after being bashed once again by the press and the whole Brad Pitt fiasco, Angelina might not just take a good, long break from moviemaking.

The brunette bombshell told British Vogue the process of filmmaking is too stressful sometimes with so many people worried about the almighty dollar and filmmakers fighting to get things their way. She says there�s very little about the process that excites her anymore and she feels far more content when at home with her son.

I think I safely speak for the lesbians (and many a gay man, for that matter) when I say – one more nude scene, just one� and then you can go!



Christina Aguilera Christina Aguilera assists in torturing Guantanamo Bay prisoners

This is just about the strangest news I�ve ever reported – well, OK, it�s right up there with the fact that trainers at Sea World use Mariah Carey�s high notes to work with dolphins. Now, European news agency Reuters is reporting that prison guards at Guantanamo Bay have added Christina Aguilera to their list of acceptable torture devices.

No, the pint sized pop star isn�t popping over to the prison with knives, guns and other weapons. In an attempt to break down prisoners, guards splash water at them, interrogate and play Christina�s Stripped CD full blast – over, and over, and over again – in an attempt to wear them down. You know, I�ve listened to the CD all the way through and, while I like Xtina, I can see how after a while I�d want to kill the bitch.



George Michael George Michael turns to God and The Advocate

With his latest career incarnation as a columnist for The Advocate, gay pop God George Michael has turned some heads with a column suggesting the gay community needs to turn toward the big man upstairs.

�Maybe those of us giggling at the back should shut up for a bit,� he writes. �The joke may be on us soon enough.�

Suggesting gays and lesbians need to take religion more seriously, George says his epiphany came one Christmas Eve when he attended a church ceremony with a group of tipsy friends, all mocking the service. George suggests perhaps we should stop feeling so invincible and start paying attention.

In other news, look for George to hit the mic with Mariah Carey at England�s forthcoming Live 8 concert to benefit AIDS research. Apparently, Carey requested the duet, saying George is one of her favorite artists of all time.



Courtney Love Courtney Love being evicted?

Not that this will come as any big surprise, but Courtney Love is in trouble again – this time for apparently failing to pay homeowners association fees on her Manhattan condo for more than five years. The bills have stacked up to more than $100,000, and Courtney, who recently lost custody of her kids temporarily while she was ordered back to rehab, is being ordered to pay or get out. Lawyers for Love will attempt to step in and get the decision postponed, but insiders say her neighbors have been looking for reasons to get her out for months.



Michael Jackson And now, yes, Jacko

And so the time has arrived – time to way in on Michael Jackson. Look, I�m not gonna drag this out. He was accused, he was acquitted, let�s move on. I�m not saying the man behind the mask isn�t odd – I mean, the whole family is kinda messed up. But the fact is there simply wasn�t enough evidence to convict. So now Michael is saying he plans to stop inviting kids to spend the night. Good! Maybe you should have done that in �93 when this shit surfaced the first time. Also, Michael, pack your bags and leave the country. Your image is still somewhat intact overseas. Me thinks you�ll have a better go of it there.

And there you have it. The dirt, the dish and the drama for the week. Oh, and go see Christian Bale in Batman Begins this week. Forget about boycotting Katie Holmes and support this hunky Welshman. He�s hot, he�s shirtless and� well, that�s all that really matters (okay, well, maybe not to the ladies – but you can support him on behalf of your queer brothers).

Until next time, one person�s trash is another person�s rent check. – Issued by Gay Link Content

  • Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.


    Previous edition
    The Tom Cruise vs. Brooke Shields battle [21/06/2005]

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