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Ross von Metze | April 06, 2005

Harridan Housewives

Marcia Cross screaming four lettered obscenities, Teri Hatcher crying into her cell phone, Eva Longoria rapidly text-messaging Desperate Housewives� producers and Nicolette Sheridan playing Devil�s Advocate. Looks like Desperate Housewives is treading into Dynasty territory. When the girls arrived to shoot the cover for Vanity Fair, the photo session went to the cats – as in cat fight.

According to E! Online, against the wishes of producers of the hit Sunday sudster, Vanity Fair staffers attempted to make the shoot all about Teri. First into make-up, brightest bathing suit, center positioning on the fold-out cover – it was enough to make Marcia Cross, well, snap!

Onlookers reported that Marcia lost it when she felt Teri was getting more attention than the rest of the cast, storming off the set and screaming at staffers �do your fucking job,� apparently angry she was sharing center positioning with Teri.

Rather than lash out, Teri ran off crying, placing a series of calls to friends and, reportedly, implying she might leave the hit show if the stress doesn�t let up. I mean, let�s be honest – is anyone surprised? Teri is one of those girls who wears her emotions on her sleeve – hmmm, type casting?

Eva took off to send frustrated text messages to the show�s producers while Nicolette tried her damndest to lift the mood, cracking jokes and shouting �I am Switzerland,� making light of the war at hand. Why is she suddenly my favorite housewife, the crazy bitch?

So where was Felicity Huffman during all this? The smartest housewife, unlike her character, she kept her mouth zipped!

The finished cover has Nicolette dead center (a reward for being funny?) and Marcia Cross and Felicity on the inside cover (you have to flip it open to even see them). While no one is confirming or denying happenings on the set, ABC was quick to do damage control, blaming the feud on the magazine, while Hatcher has denied she or Cross have any harsh feelings.

All this and the first season isn�t over yet? I am so glad I just got TiVo!



Paula Abdul on uppers or downers?

Not two weeks after Paula Abdul hit another car and called it a pothole, the erratic and frequently out of sorts American Idol judge seemed to be on something at Tuesday�s show as her eyes drooped, body jittered and, at one point, she started slurring her speech.

�You can cross you flungers, crosh you toes, cross you legs,� Abdul told contestant Bo Bice jokingly after his lackluster performance – she stumbled over the words enough we replayed it 10 times.

Now, I�m not citing sources – there�s been no rehab trip or emotional plea from friends and family, but given Abdul�s recent behavior (just three weeks ago she slipped Simon Cowell the tongue after he praised a contestant), I think it�s evident the serotonin level in her brain might be spiking just a tad.



Jane Fonda and J Lo Jane Fonda and husband plus lady makes for threesome

Jane Fonda is the first lady of fitness, avid anti-war activist, two-time Oscar winner and threesome expert? What?

You read correctly. As Fonda reveals in her just released tell all, My Life So Far, in a desperate attempt to please her first husband Roger Vadim (whom she married in 1967 and divorced in 1973), Fonda agreed to having numerous threesome affairs with other women – one time, the actress reveals, it was with a prostitute he hired from an agency.

"It seems shocking that I did that, but I managed to convince myself that it was fine, that I wanted to, even though it was killing my heart," Fonda writes in the book.

She claims she agreed to the sexual encounters because he made her feel "less than perfect." She also blamed her ex-husband, who directed her in Barbarella, for the eating disorders that plagued her life: "I ceased eating except for crusts from his bread and rinds from his camembert."

Now, after 14 years without a movie to show for it, Fonda picks J.Lo as the super-talent to draw her back to the screen? Maybe all that starvation blocked the flow of oxygen to Jane�s brain. Monster In Law, which I must admit looks surprisingly funny, hits theatres next month.



Briteney and Kevin Britney and Kevin � divorce waiting in the wings?

Just days after announcing plans to air the a behind the scenes look of their lives on a new UPN reality series this summer, trailer-trash newlyweds Britney and Kevin were spotted bunking and separate rooms at a Hollywood hotel while their house is being renovated.

Spokespeople for pop�s former princess say the couple were sleeping separately because Brit felt she might be coming down with a cold, but paparazzi say the couple looked about as cold as that kiss between Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie a few years back at the MTV movie awards.

Could the happy couple be heading for splitsville before their show even hits airwaves? Well, that probably the one and only way to get me to watch,

Well, that�s all she wrote for now folks. Have a wonderful week, and remember, one person�s gossip is another person�s rent check. – Issued by Gay Link Content

  • Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.


    Previous edition
    Missy Elliott gay? [06/04/2005]

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